Though I lack…

Posted by MCCAYLA FLEMING on OCTOBER 29, 2017

Life in Honduras has been different for sure. There’s so much happening here. It all seems to run together when I try to recall all that I’ve seen. There are so many small moments and events that have happened. It’s easy to get in a certain mindset to where you become desensitized to everything. What always puts it all back into perspective for me is when I hear the Gospel being shared. I’ve seen a few people come to Christ, and I can’t express to you the emotions that I felt to see them come forward in faith. I’ve seen these moments, while I’ve seen others simply praying through their struggles. It is truly a privilege to get to pray with them. What I’m learning in ministry, is that brokenness takes on many forms, and reaches every aspect of life that it can grab a hold of. I’ve seen brokenness in expected forms, and brokenness in unexpected forms. What I know for certain, people are people. We are all broken.
I think that’s what I want others to understand more than anything. Though there are differences, it really isn’t completely different from home for me because broken people are everywhere. I’m able to say this because I have gotten past the physical appearances of circumstances. I don’t walk in a village anymore solely worrying about how they eat or how they live the way they do. Not to say that I don’t care about those things, because of course I do. But what I’m saying is that there are even more pressing issues in their own minds. Broken families, split churches, past wounds, a series of abandonment for many, and hearts thirsting for more. Just like any of us who thirst for more. There is a story behind every face, and depth to every problem.
I guess that’s the point I’m trying to make. I don’t expect to come into a person’s life to fix their problems. I think that’s the stereotype of missionaries. We’re supposed to go in and “fix” problems and put a band-aid over things. We come in, build homes, feed people, offer medical assistance, and leave feeling as if that’s all they needed. Those are all wonderful things, but they are only truly worthy when the goal is to make Jesus known. For any other reason, they are just good deeds. If what we do is without love, we are truly nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:2) And if I truly love people, I would offer them a drink from the well that would forever satisfy their thirst…
We don’t have the ability to fix people, and to think that way will always be humbling. I don’t have anything to offer anybody but Jesus. Anything good in me is because of Him. I think the hardest part of ministry for me is worrying about performance/results. I think often that I’m not doing enough because I’m not called to preach, I don’t share the Gospel everyday because I don’t have the language, I don’t know if I have anything to contribute, I don’t know if I’ll be able to connect with somebody, and I don’t think that I have anything to relate to with others. You know what I keep seeing in that last sentence is “I” and all the ways in which I lack. Shows how much I have. So even in ministry, even being in a foreign country depending on the Lord, I let myself get in the way all the time. I can’t explain to you how disappointed that I’ve been with myself, but God is GOOD. So good, and I don’t want to get in the way of how He wants to use and shape me. I want to see others be shaped by Him too because it really is beautiful. Painful, but wow is it worth it. I can look back, see the person that I was years ago, and am thankful all over again for the ways that God has dealt with me. I have found my joy in sharing with other people the goodness of God.
If any of you are discouraged in your walk, me too. Sometimes I feel lonely, unworthy, and can see all of my faults in my face. It’s frustrating. But what I truly want, the very thing that is deeply rooted in my heart, is to see others come to know Jesus. The greatest desire that I have is to be able to look at others and to feel nothing but a fiery desire for them to know Him. I’m praying for that persistently.
So that basically means saying goodbye to my feelings, or making excuses as to why I can’t initiate conversation, and goodbye to all the reasons that I can’t move forward due to my past. I can truly say goodbye to it all. It’s hard to believe because I’ve seen myself at my worst and that keeps coming to the surface, but I want to leave my past behind and press forward…
I know God has me here to serve this ministry. Help them with the day-to-day tasks, help with the financial tracking, and to help plan trips. These things and to join them on the field. That is what I came to help here with, and if can’t do the simple tasks out of love, I am nothing. The opportunities that I have had to get to know people and to simply walk with them has been great. I hardly know how to share it with others back home, because it really is a collection of small moments and interactions. I hope to build relationships with others to the point that I can share more with them. I’m thankful to be here and to have met so many different people here. They are beautiful people. I’m thankful to be apart of an amazing ministry here that chooses to walk alongside people, make disciples, raise up leaders, and share the Gospel. I hope this is encouraging to somebody who may feel like they are not doing enough. God wants to shape you, He’s never through with you, and He wants to use you despite the ways you lack.
I want to mention to you a few people that I would like others to pray for. Alex is a nine year-old boy who is from a village called Rancho Obispo. He can hardly use his voice, and we have taken him to a doctor a few times. Every time he has put up a fight and is too afraid to let the doctor examine his throat. Please pray for him as he possibly receives treatment in the future. I would also ask for you to pray for a woman named Estella. She is an older woman in San Pedrito, who has an amazing amount of faith, but is very sick and can’t get out of bed. I have been touched by her sweet words the few times that I’ve been around her. Finally, I ask that you would pray for Cenicera. This village is special. I love all of the villages but there’s something about this particular village that I feel led to pray for. Please pray for their church and for God to bring a pastor to them soon.
Thank you for reading!