Hi, all! 

For those who don’t know me, I’m Lauren! I joined the ministry team this year, working with Kristi and Jackie in Abundant Life Christian School. This is my third year in Honduras. I teach Language classes from 8-10th grade, I’m the assistant volleyball coach, I work with struggling English speakers in our school, and I’m the go-to teacher if you want to hear a bad pun. (They’re actually good though…so…)

There are a lot of adjectives that I could say about myself, attributes that those getting to know me ought to be informed about, but in this blog we’ll only focus on two: joyful and depressed. Ever since I was young, I’ve had this unshakable sense that joy is an ingredient in my bones that I can never remove. I remember as a kid having this knowledge that it doesn’t matter if I’m sad or happy, God made me a joyful person, and nothing could take that away. Or… at least that’s what I thought until 2017. That year, the sense I had since childhood was rocked. I became deeply depressed. It was an incredibly hard few years of my life. Not only was I suffering an illness I couldn’t control, I felt like I lost an integral part of myself. I couldn’t find joy. In fact, I became averse to it. The depression permeated so much of my mind and soul that the idea of being joyful again sounded awful. How could I have joy again after everything that happened, all that I lost, what I’d done? So I shut the door on trying and remained in my mental prison, with half of me so desperately wanting to escape while the other side started making a home there.

I moved to Honduras, started a new job, and was in a new community. I wanted these to be the solution to fix whatever was broken inside my brain. For a time, I did think that I had won. The depression subsided, and I had won, right? If that was the case… where is my joy? Turns out, I hadn’t won. My depression had become a trickster and decided to come and go as it pleases. 

My solutions hadn’t worked. Running away and moving didn’t fix me, my remedies kept failing. I’d be depressed, then happy, then the cycle begins again. Where is my joy? Why can’t I win? 

The past year, the Lord has been teaching me, reminding me, and showing me that my joy comes from Him. He is my Healer: my One solution. When depression plays its tricks again, I can’t rely on myself to have joy. He made joy a part of me, yes, but I come from Him. 

Often, when I’m at my lowest, I don’t want to rejoice. I don’t feel like it. There’s no point. That’s why I love how rejoice is defined; it is not only an emotional response, but it is a command. I will rejoice when everything is good, and I will rejoice when it’s not. If I focus on my Saviour, then I will always have a reason and a way to rejoice. 

Recovery takes time. My battle has been going on for 7+ years. I’m frustrated, but I’m hopeful. I need to rejoice, whether I feel like it or not. The Lord is my strength and my refuge when I can’t go on by myself. He has given me people who love me, challenges to overcome, and purpose to fulfill. Maybe soon I will be completely recovered, with no sign of depression and my joy fully restored. Or, maybe my battle with depression continues my whole life. It doesn’t matter. I will look to the Lord. I will rejoice. 

2 Corinthians 6: 9-10,  “known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing…”